Baby steps

I'm back to (almost) full time work which feels good on a lot of levels. It means I get to see flashes of 'old' Katie, she who partakes in the real world, she who engages with other grown ups, and puts one foot in front of the other without always feeling she's about to fall. And I know these are small things - christ, I should have mastered walking and talking with 29 years under my belt - but right now these things are enough. More than enough actually, they feel borderline triumphant when the alternative is a terrified, lonely, ball of anxiety that's taken up permanent residence under your ribcage and exists solely to remind you, every minute of every day, of how pathetic and empty you are. I'm having to start again in some ways. Again, from infancy we learn to strive, compete, push and shove our way along, I don't recall any school lessons telling me that it's actually ok to just be still sometimes? So this is where I'm having to educate myself. Of course I can't switch off the reflex thoughts to want and push for more (and would I want to?) but I'm getting better at answering back. Revelling in the wonderful moments when peace and quiet wins out over Ted's voice and knowing that this is where i need to be right now - a small but significant step towards...bigger? ...better?...happier? I've no idea what tomorrow holds but as a wise (wo)man once told me, there's a lot to be said for just finding peace of mind. So whatever it takes, this is what I'm going for. I sound like I have it all figured out, don't I? Having finally started to less resemble a zombie and start living a bit (with more than a little helping hand from my wonderful therapists, an incredible support network of family and friends, and a wee daily dose of serotonin-stimulating white Smarties!), I've started to find some answers but putting them into play...well, that's a work in progress. Spurring me on when the bad days come is the thought of going for a curry; having too many drinks with friends; cake and coffee with mum; eating for pleasure again not necessity. And doing all these things without consideration for the calories, the exercise I'll have to do to counter them, or what the scales might tell me tomorrow. I have my first appointment with an NHS dietician this Tuesday after having to battle the 'system' (ah, the system....I'll save my insight / rantings on this topic for another day) for access to this service. Meal plans, 'unsafe' foods, working to normalise my habits are inevitably going to rile Ted. He's already trying to up his game, and if I wasn't tempted to choose him over being kind to myself then I guess I wouldn't still be ill. But I've got your number Ted. And you may have won some battles lately but I will win the war.