An open letter

Dear self-destructive thoughts,

I'm making myself write this blog and catalogue my feelings, for the reason that the last thing I feel like doing right now is writing this blog and cataloguing my feelings. The (non-literal) clouds are hanging heavy and low over me this last few days and so this is probably the time I should be writing and trying to get you, the bad thoughts, out.

I didn't see this coming but then I never do. The week before last was a really good one, I was facing things head on and had so much fight in me, I was surprising myself. Then, with the tiredness I suppose, this past day or two has seen the fight leave me, tears never far away and an internal dialogue of 'what's the point of all this?'. I fight and I push and I work to be rid of you and this illness, and for what? To have a few good days and then, each bloody time, for the hope brought by these good days to be utterly shit on when the proceeding bad days come.

I don't want you to feel sorry for me, and I know there's no choice but to keep fighting and believing that things will be good again. This week I'm going to have to commit to being kinder to myself with less exercise, less stress, and more nutrition, and precedent tells me that the lighter days will then follow. The problem being that when I'm low and tired like this, I don't have the fight to resist your mean dialogue, telling me to push on with restricting and exercising. These things feel like the only things able to restore a bit of balance in my head, while simultaneously draining the life out of me.

So, I beg of you, please please please work with me this week and go a bit easy on me for once. I can't keep fighting you and when you're as strong as you have been the last day or two, I have no choice but to listen. And where's that going to get us?

Katie x