So, you know that nervous anticipation-excitement you felt when exam day arrived after a week or two of revision cramming? That's a bit where I am today. I've done all the preparation I can, I've put in the groundwork to ensure my head is as relaxed as can be, and I awoke this morning to my first thought being...today's the day.
All sounds terribly dramatic, doesn't it? And clearly there's no exam to be sat today (or ever, those days being long behind me for good reason - I was rubbish at them!). No, today is the day I have booked to go for a curry with three of my dearest, to pretend to be a bit normal, and try and enjoy the one food I have recently started to hanker for.
Is she for real, I hear you ask? What's the big deal with going for a bhuna and a poppadom or two? And quite right you are too.
But the mere fact that I've started to crave something outside of my 'safe' foods is noteworthy in itself, and then proceeding to plan it in to my weekend and book a table...well, if you aren't out of your seat and giving me a standing ovation by now, may I suggest you do please.
As you're all undoubtedly aware, I've more or less cancelled or excused myself from every food-related social engagement in the last year, allowing Ted to convince me that there was nothing to be gained from attending these things but fear, anxiety and a whole heap of self-retribution. And while Ted was pretty vehement mid-week (during a wobble induced by tiredness, work-related stress, and a generous dose of self-hatred) that I would have to again make my excuses ahead of this outing ('Why would you ruin our hard work by gorging on a curry, you idiot? You have no idea of the calorie-laced ingredients they'll be using! Stick to what you know and everything will be ok'), it is happening.
To revert to the exam analogy for a second, I've prepped myself for it sufficiently so I'm as calm as I can be, I've talked back to the anxious part of my brain telling me I'm going to fail and I'm 'tooled up' for whatever it can throw at me. Of course, as with all these things, life may throw me a curveball and tomorrow I may incur an anxiety-ridden backlash but well, I'll just have to ride that out as and when.
Because as my clever little sausage of a brother said to me this week, 'just don't listen to the voices, you like curry and you want to eat one.' So, take that Ted, I'm doing it and if you don't like it, well then my big, strong, wise brother will be coming after you!
To digress slightly, my wonderful Jack is my voice of reason more than he realises. He can, in one straightforward sentence, re-ground my thoughts where previously my head's been a whirring mass of over-analytical thoughts, set on the high speed function. Too many an evening, my mother and I (both afflicted by the need to psycho-analyse just about everything) have whiled away the hours, chaining coffee and cigarettes while fancying ourselves as kind of modern-day Freuds with our ability to pick apart and analyse the human psyche. And then along will come Jack, with his insightful, linear intelligence, and in one sentence will bring more logic to our discussions that we would have arrived at in a month! Basically, if you haven't already got a Jack in your life, you should get one.
Anyway, back to me...it's been a mixed bag of a week, with my tiredness and overdoing it culminating in a mini-crash on Thursday. But I picked myself up off the floor and I sometimes think these blips are the body's way of saying 'enough already, you're neglecting me and need to refocus.' I needed to hit the wall in order to regroup, to realise that I was a bit exhausted and that I wasn't paying the due diligence to my head and body that I was a few weeks ago. A constructive telling off from Mum and my recently acquired guardian angel, Shani, also helped push Ted to the side a little in favour of more rational thought.
I need to remember (hopefully not always aided by a crash!) that if I'm to continue to be afforded the luxuries of my independence, being able to work and enjoying life, I have to consciously work hard at it. So that's what I'm trying to do, one curry and skinny latte at a time.
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