I had a blip. I'll have more blips. And that's ok.
It took me a few days post-binge to get myself together and summon back the fight in me and the last few days have blessed me with some more glimpses of normal Katie, my first NHS meeting with the dietician I've been pushing for, and some much needed sunshine, so I'm in an ok place right now.
I had a moment yesterday as I was walking home from a long day in London, returning to my little safe cocoon with Mum and Jack, it was late evening but still light, slightly muggy and a beautiful sky, and I experienced that fleeting, life-affirming feeling, just for a few minutes, of everything being ok with the world. Do you know what I mean? You're probably thinking 'oh Christ, she fancies herself as some kind of hippy!' and I suppose those moments do feel kind of spiritual but I can't describe how much it meant to feel that again. And to know I could feel like that again.
Work is doing me all kinds of good. Yes, it's tiring, and yes, it brings some additional anxiety occasionally when Ted will try and tell me I'm failing at it. But to feel part of the normal world again, to be able to focus on something other than myself and Ted, and to even sometimes go a full hour without thinking about food and my issues, is something I'd hoped and worked for, but honestly couldn't visualise being able to do a few months ago.
And the dietician session helped me get a little bit further up that mountain I think. She told it to me straight and sugarcoated nothing but also gave me some realistic goals to kickstart normalising my diet and nutrition levels again. There's no other way than for it to be a slow process (my body, let alone my mind, I was told couldn't cope with too much too soon after being used to operating in starvation mode for this long) but treating my body a bit more kindly and introducing some additional calcium (hello again skinny lattes!) and complex carbs (a work in progress) felt like a big step. Consequently, I've felt stronger in my body and mind, with my runs becoming more of a joy resulting from some extra petrol in the engine.
I must also share something which has equally fascinated and comforted me this week. The dietician shared with me a study on the effects of starvation on behaviour, which was undertaken by the university of Minnesota 30 years ago (it definitely wouldn't get funding these days and you'll understand why with this excerpt...)
'There is a remarkable parallel between many of the experiences observed in victims of semi-starvation and those found in individuals with anorexia or bulimia.
An experiment on the effects of starvation on behaviour involved restricting the calorie intake of 36 young, healthy, psychologically normal (just to butt in at this point, take note of this bit in particular - the subjects had no known predisposition to mental illness) men who had volunteered for the study as an alternative to military service (God help them!!). During the first 3 months of the experiment, they ate normally while their behaviour, personality and eating patterns were studied in detail. During the subsequent 6 months, the men were restricted to approx. half of their former food intake and lost, on average, 25% of their original body weight. This was followed by 3 months rehabilitation, during which the men were gradually re-fed. The individual responses were varied but overall, the men experienced dramatic physical, psychological and social changes as a result of starvation, many of which persisted in the rehabilitation stage and thereafter.
An inevitable result of starvation was a dramatic increase in re-occupation with food. The men were unable to concentrate on their usual activities, plagued by persistent thoughts of food and eating. Food became their principle topic of conversation, reading and daydreams. They began reading cookbooks, collecting recipes and developed a sudden interest in all things food and cooking related, with one man even rummaging through garbage cans in the hope of finding something he might need. This general tendency to hoard has been observed in starved anorexic patients and even in rats deprived of food.
Despite the men showing little interest in culinary matters pre-experiment, 40% of the men mentioned cooking as part of their post-experiment plans with some even changing occupations to become chefs.
During starvation, the men's eating habits changed radically. They spent much of every day planning how they would eat their allotment of food, with much of their behaviour centred on prolonging ingestion. They ate in silence and devoted total attention to consumption.
The subjects often demanded food to be served really hot and made unusual concoctions with a tremendous increase in the use of flavours and spices. Their consumption of tea and coffee also increased dramatically.
In terms of emotional changes, many reported periods of depression, a less tolerant disposition, irritability and outbursts of anger, as well as anxiety as a result of semi-starvation.
Socially, they became progressively more withdrawn and isolated, becoming reluctant to plan activities, make decisions and participate in activities. They spent more and more time alone.
As is apparent from the preceding description, many of the symptoms thought to be specific to anorexia or bulimia are actually the result of starvation. The starvation study illustrates how a person becomes more orientated towards food when starved and how other pursuits important to his / her survival become secondary to the primary drive for food.'
Back to me - every single one of the traits, habits and character changes described above have been adopted by me (and Ted!) at some stage during my illness, many of them still persisting. And I find it strangely reassuring to realise that these habits which have become too engrained in me aren't perhaps an indication of any pre-disposition I have to mental illness, it's simply my body's natural reaction to starvation. The same reaction which would likely be displayed by anyone put under starvation conditions.
Needless to say my dietician was rightfully angry that diets such as the Cambridge diet (which arguably, with it's advocacy of putting one's body into a state of ketosis to lose weight, started me on the road to becoming ill) are allowed to exist and who knows whether I'd have ended up here regardless of the diet.
For me, this study I suppose reaffirms what an amazingly complex machine the body is. And when put under such extreme, unnatural conditions, will react accordingly to change your entire character and thought processes in order to try and focus you on reinstating a normal food intake.
I'm finally starting to realise the truth in my body being a machine which needs fuelling properly if I'm to continue being able to do the things I do and have a full life once again. Like a say, a small step but a significant one in my journey to the top of the mountain.
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